Blue In The Face

Sometimes it’s hard to find solace in anything. It can be very isolating to be whoever I am. I feel like I’m a certain breed of person. I’m not aggressive, I’m more passive. I go along with whoever. I’ve always had a similar type of friend/friend group in my life. The kind that are more assertive than me and make up my mind for me. It’s fine but it’s funny how I have had these patterns for so long. I’d love to be friends with someone outside of that pattern if that makes sense

Every single friend I have hasn’t been the same, but have similar underlying qualities that make them alike. They’re all very different in some ways. 

One of my kindergarten friends, my only friend in kindergarten, was the aggressive girl in the class. She wasn’t just assertive, but aggressive. I remember my teachers specifically talking about it was good we were going to different schools for first grade so I could get away from her. I don’t remember her being especially mean to me. I can assume she pushed me around and I  followed along.

Obviously, as I’m older people aren’t aggressive like her. She was a child with certain tendencies that I assume people grow out of. At least she seemed to grow out of them when I saw her again in middle school, though she did stay back a year. It’s just a tendency I have to gravitate towards these types of people. Or these types of people gravitate toward me and I don’t have the assertiveness to avoid it. It’s just weird. It’s been almost 23 years of this same thing. It feels like a habit I need to break. 

Not to mention I need to make more friends in general. I don’t need to be part of a huge friend group, but some variety would be nice. Hopefully breaking my patterns in the meantime. I think I only have one friend. I love her, but we can all agree I should expand my circle.  

Humorless

Dating is so hard. When you’re someone like me, it’s literally the strangest thing. I am absolutely terrible at it.

I mean, I don’t want to say that. But I just am so shy and awkward. Not to mention insecure. Oh yeah, also disabled. Something every guy lusts after. So I guess I have that going for me.

I am so insecure about this stuff that I literally make up any excuse to not meet up with guys from Tinder that ask. I seriously get out of it with a million and one reasons and just ghost the hell out of them. It’s not even because I don’t like them!!!! I just get really scared that they won’t understand my disability and hate me. It’s irrational, but I am just a girl with a diseased brain. And body to match. I try to be positive, but sometimes I think I have everything against me. Which is fine, but like let a sister breathe every once in a while.

Plus, I feel like I’m not pretty enough, interesting enough, not talkative enough. Also nerves. That’s a big fight for me. I am the most anxiety ridden.

I am sounding more and more like every guy’s dream with each passing sentence.

Strange Society

Family is such a weird thing. We have these people we are forced to cherish and love and and spend time with. For the rest of our lives, they’re become important and non-changing beings.

Luckily, I have so many great people in my family. I love them all dearly and truly cherish everything about them all. I really try to maintain special relationships with each one as much as I can. I am an incredibly family oriented person and have been since forever.

I still think about how weird family is and how it gets SO huge as we all get older. My cousins have kids, those kids have kids, my sisters have kids, then they have kids. It feels never ending. It gives me anxiety that it becomes harder to maintain relationships with all these people. As much as I would love to, the more it grows the harder it is!

It can also be very complicated. Family’s are messy and confusing. People hurt others without realizing, or because they’re hurting. They don’t take responsibility, and can’t set boundaries. Nothing is off limits, yet everything is.

It’s just weird. I love it a lot though.

Whimsically Inspired

In these last few days I’ve been listening to the Harry Potter audio books. I’ve made it through the first one and about to finish the second. It’s been making me think about a couple of things. First, how J.K. Rowling’s writing has been so successful, and what makes it so. Second, my childhood imagination.

I read somewhere that figuring out how writing works is important. Through reading, watching television, or movies, figuring out what works makes for a better writer. So, I’ve been really doing that. Especially in comedy. I really have been making an effort to figure out why a specific joke made me laugh. I have always done with comedy, and some of these things are obvious. But applying them to my own writing is sometimes hard to grasp. Hence why practicing writing and everything has been important to me.

I created one spec script for a television show for a class, recently. I plan to create another and want to have it finished by the end of the summer. I honestly should start asap if I want to not feel rushed. Scripts can be hard, though. But I need to practice.

As for my childhood imagination, the HP series has seriously brought me back. I didn’t read the books as a child, but did watch the movies. My sister did try to read me the books, but we started in the middle and I remember being confused. Anyway, I was obsessed with these sorts of mystical things anyway. Fairies were a big one for me and I was convinced they exist. Thanks, in part to, Fairytale: A True Story, which wholly convinced me. I wonder if I could create a magical world about Fairies, for adults. Or young adults. I could make a cute one for children, but Fairies have not received their due in the mainstream media as of yet. Maybe if Trump would take this stance in criticizing the mainstream media I would be more on board with him.

JK (Rowling) I would never be onboard with him. Even if he did defend the whimsical amazingness of fairies.

Quickly Unraveling

There are people in our lives that we may feel don’t belong there. I have definitely had these people and in some ways I have been able to remove them. Other times, they’re family and I can’t axe them without extreme guilt. Thank god I was raised Irish and Catholic! I don’t think I’m ever not guilty, even though I have never done a damn thing wrong in my life.

People just get stuck in life that I can’t seem to avoid. I always have the same issues. I figure it’s me and I attract a specific type of people. I love these people dearly, but sometimes wish I had better. Ever since I was a little girl, I remember wishing I could meet a little girl just like me. I would imagine an Asian girl on the other side of the world (Asia was as far away as it could get, I thought), exactly like me and wishing for the same thing. I wanted someone that I could relate to.

Realizing I had these feelings since first grade makes me really examine my life. I mean 17 years and I’ve been stuck in the same rut?! That sounds completely rational and healthy!

So lucky I have such a strong grip on my life!

Springing Up

I’ve been thinking through all my life’s journey to this point. All the trials and tribulations, as they say. What has led me here and why. What is leading me there and why. 

It feels like I’m coming up on my own existential crisis. I’m scrambling to figure out the rest of my life. I thought I had the rest of my life to do that. I’m not sure what exactly it isn’t supposed to be doing, but you can bet I’m worried about it!

My life could just be summed up in one word lately. Anxiety. Being a soon to be college graduate with a bachelors degree is weird. It’s hard. I’m not sure what to do. Everyone has found something!!! Maybe not everyone. I guess most people I see. I want to blame my disability but I know the real reason. My disability makes me afraid. I’m afraid to own my disability and claim it loud and proud. I’m afraid to roll into an office in my scooter and demand respect. 

In general, I’ve always been like that. The quiet, submissive girl I’ve always been. She’s always afraid she’s wrong, misspeaking, too dumb, not enough. The list goes on. I have no idea why I was created this way. Whether through sheer accident, my environment, or the mysterious powers that be. Whatever it is, I’m beginning to realize in order to overcome these parts I must own them. 

Maybe they’re a beautiful, whimsical, mystical part of myself that make me an interesting person. Or maybe they make me boring and weak. Either way! It’s ok! Boring or whimsical is what I am. I’m both and neither. At the same time. 

One day maybe I’ll be able to apply this to my self esteem. 

Until then I’ll be here in my anxiety bubble. Cashing checks and taking names? That feels like the right thing to say. 

Listen To Me. 

I’ve always loved listening to people talk. Ever since I was a little kid. Sitting with adults listening to their problems, gossip, and everything else was more fun to me. More fun than hanging out with kids my own age. I feel like this made me a great eavesdropper. It also fostered my love of listening to conversations over being involved in them. This fun fact about myself also contributed to my great quality of not being able to relate to people my age or become friends with them! Cool stuff!

Whatever. It’s fine. I can listen to people talk, don’t worry about me. I don’t need to be involved or heard, ha-ha. I’m fine. 

Actually, I think it’s why I love listening to podcasts. Hearing two people have a conversation is, of course, interesting, funny, informative, and so on. But I think it also brings me back to sitting in my moms lap listening to people I admired talk. It’s a comforting feeling. It’s as close to feeling like a little kid I can get to lately. 

People listen to podcasts for entertainment, information and just to listen. So, though I may try like hell, I’m not that different from everyone else. These are the things I’ve been thinking about, though. Trying to figure myself out still; suppose I always will be. ENDLESS ENTERTAINMENT.