Blue In The Face

Sometimes it’s hard to find solace in anything. It can be very isolating to be whoever I am. I feel like I’m a certain breed of person. I’m not aggressive, I’m more passive. I go along with whoever. I’ve always had a similar type of friend/friend group in my life. The kind that are more assertive than me and make up my mind for me. It’s fine but it’s funny how I have had these patterns for so long. I’d love to be friends with someone outside of that pattern if that makes sense

Every single friend I have hasn’t been the same, but have similar underlying qualities that make them alike. They’re all very different in some ways. 

One of my kindergarten friends, my only friend in kindergarten, was the aggressive girl in the class. She wasn’t just assertive, but aggressive. I remember my teachers specifically talking about it was good we were going to different schools for first grade so I could get away from her. I don’t remember her being especially mean to me. I can assume she pushed me around and I  followed along.

Obviously, as I’m older people aren’t aggressive like her. She was a child with certain tendencies that I assume people grow out of. At least she seemed to grow out of them when I saw her again in middle school, though she did stay back a year. It’s just a tendency I have to gravitate towards these types of people. Or these types of people gravitate toward me and I don’t have the assertiveness to avoid it. It’s just weird. It’s been almost 23 years of this same thing. It feels like a habit I need to break. 

Not to mention I need to make more friends in general. I don’t need to be part of a huge friend group, but some variety would be nice. Hopefully breaking my patterns in the meantime. I think I only have one friend. I love her, but we can all agree I should expand my circle.  

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