I’ve been thinking through all my life’s journey to this point. All the trials and tribulations, as they say. What has led me here and why. What is leading me there and why.
It feels like I’m coming up on my own existential crisis. I’m scrambling to figure out the rest of my life. I thought I had the rest of my life to do that. I’m not sure what exactly it isn’t supposed to be doing, but you can bet I’m worried about it!
My life could just be summed up in one word lately. Anxiety. Being a soon to be college graduate with a bachelors degree is weird. It’s hard. I’m not sure what to do. Everyone has found something!!! Maybe not everyone. I guess most people I see. I want to blame my disability but I know the real reason. My disability makes me afraid. I’m afraid to own my disability and claim it loud and proud. I’m afraid to roll into an office in my scooter and demand respect.
In general, I’ve always been like that. The quiet, submissive girl I’ve always been. She’s always afraid she’s wrong, misspeaking, too dumb, not enough. The list goes on. I have no idea why I was created this way. Whether through sheer accident, my environment, or the mysterious powers that be. Whatever it is, I’m beginning to realize in order to overcome these parts I must own them.
Maybe they’re a beautiful, whimsical, mystical part of myself that make me an interesting person. Or maybe they make me boring and weak. Either way! It’s ok! Boring or whimsical is what I am. I’m both and neither. At the same time.
One day maybe I’ll be able to apply this to my self esteem.
Until then I’ll be here in my anxiety bubble. Cashing checks and taking names? That feels like the right thing to say.